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FULL TRANSCRIPT: 

 

FADE IN:

INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

A SLUG GENERAL stands on a stage, wearing an army helmet and holding a riding crop behind his back, à la the opening of “Patton”.  Behind him an immense green-and-black Slug Nation flag is projected onto a screen. Two rookie cadets fall in line.

HANK

Roger, first day of Boot Camp!

ROGER

Uh huh

HANK

It’s finally here!!

ROGER

(sigh)

I know…

HANK

It’s now!

GENERAL

Attention!

HANK

It’s fantastic!

ROGER

Yep.

GENERAL

We are at war with the greatest threat ever to slug-kind… the Fiends!

He points with his crop to the screen which changes to a heroic picture of the Best Fiends charging toward camera.  The audience of SLUG CADETS, standing at attention, sneers.

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

(SNEERING NOISES)

 

GENERAL

(Disgusted)

These slime-less insects are intent on stopping our domination of Minutia. And our only defense is to send wave after wave of you to get pummeled.

EXT. ROPE CLIMBING WALL – DAY

A whistle blows and we see a line of slugs waiting their turn to go thru the first obstacle course.

 

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

(group whispers)

You go first / No you go / That looks uncomfortable / That wall is mine…

DRILL SERGEANT

What are you slugs waiting for?

 

EAGER CLIMBING SLUG (CONT’D)

(battle charge)

Yeaaaaaaaa!

EAGER CLIMBING SLUG (CONT’D)

(impact groan)

Uggh

 

DRILL SERGEANT

Step right up boys, don’t be scared.

 

EAGER CLIMBING SLUG

I got this! I got this!

DRILL SERGEANT
Move it! Move it!

 

HEAVY SLUG CADET (CONT’D)

(battle charge)

Grrrrr!

 

Slugs rush thru and instead of climbing over the wall, they crash straight on and try to squeeze themselves in between the slats. Hank and Roger see this and slowly back away unnoticed. One of the slugs manages to squeeze thru but before he can celebrate, a larger, heftier slug slams into the wall causing it to collapse on top of the smaller slug.

HEAVY SLUG CADET

(disoriented half-laugh)

Whooops.

 

DRILL SERGEANT

That’s the way to do it!

 

INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

The screen now WWII-style propaganda poster reading “LOOSE BUGS SALT SLUGS!” showing a sexy version of Jojo emptying a salt shaker on a screaming slug soldier.

GENERAL

Now, some of you might not have what it takes to join my slug army… But you will be recruited anyway, because that’s the way my army works.

EXT. MOUTAINOUS ROAD – DAY

CADETS march along a dirt path on the side of a mountain, scooting in formation as a drill sergeant chants.

DRILL SERGEANT

I don’t know but I’ve been told!

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

I don’t know but I’ve been told!

DRILL SERGEANT

None of us will live to be old!

Hank, at the back of pack, out of sight of the drill sergeant, jumps around while singing the marching cadence. Unaware that every time he jumps around, a new crack is formed along the edge of the delicate mountain side.

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

None of us will live to be old!

DRILL SERGEANT

Sound off!

TINY MARCHING CADET

(looking at the cracking, gasping)

Uh-oh

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

One, Two!

DRILL SERGEANT

Sound off!

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

Three, Four!

 

Finally, the crack grows high enough to disrupt a boulder that was loosely sitting on a ledge above them. The slug cadet looks up and is relieved that the boulder stayed put.

 

TINY MARCHING CADET (CONT’D)

(Sigh of relief)

Whew, that was close.

 

Suddenly, the large boulder comes slamming down taking out the cadet along with a huge chuck of the road.

 

TINY MARCHING CADET (CONT’D)

Ahhhhhh!

HANK

Huh?

Hank and Roger stop to peer over the edge.

 

HANK (CONT’D)

(gross, hacking)

Ohhh…

 

They see the falling slug land with a watery SPLAT.  It creates a Rorschach-like inkblot.

HANK

(he doesn’t realize he cause it)

Anybody know who that was?

TINY MARCHING CADET

(groaning in pain)

Mmmmmm.

DRILL SERGEANT

He’s the first of you to fail but certainly not the last!

 

ROGER

(deadpan)

Yeah, didn’t get his name.

 

INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

The screen now shows a grainy WWII-style image of a slug army squaring off against the Fiends.  The general gives an order and the slugs charge.

GENERAL

We slugs have never won, and will never win, a war why? Because we’re Slugs.  And we expect you to carry on that fine tradition.

 

EXT. SLUG TRAINING CAMP BOXING – DAY

The slugs stand at a row of machines that smack them in the face repeatedly with boxing gloves. We see several slugs get pummeled and launched off screen. A confident boxing slug jumps, squeezes, and rolls his way untouched thru the obstacle course.

 

CADETS

(groans, grunts, getting hit)

BOXING SLUG

(confident, dodging hits)

Oh yeah, easy peasy.

BOXING SLUG (CONT’D)

Yes!

DRILL SERGEANT

No! Don’t dodge the punches, maggot!  That’s not how we do things!

BOXING SLUG

Slug, yes Slug!

 

With a determined but frightened look on his face, the boxing slug steps back in front of the machine for a beat but nothing happens. The slug is relieved.

 

BOXING SLUG (CONT’D)

(sigh of relief)

Whew.

The camera zooms out and out of nowhere, a large boxing glove punches the unsuspecting slug out of frame.

 

BOXING SLUG (CONT’D)

(impact groan)

Mmmphf

DRILL SERGEANT

Perfect!

FADE OUT.

INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

The screen shows a different image of the slugs in battle.  They attack the way they do in the game, by stepping forward one-at-a-time and getting slaughtered while the rest watch on waiting their turn.

 

GENERAL

Congratulation, slugs.  It’s time for you to get out there and show those Fiends what we’re made of…

 

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

(Cheers)

Yeah! Woohoo! We did it!!

The slug cadets take off their helmets and throw them in the air.

GENERAL

And now for some inspiring words from your Commander in Chief.

The Slug King slides up the stage. The CADETS straighten to attention.  Hank whispers to Roger.

HANK

(In awe)

Roger! Roger!! The Slug King! I heard he eats fiends for breakfast!

SLUG KING

(Throat clearing noise, deep voice)

This is a day that you will remember for the rest of your very short lives!

 

Suddenly a zipper goes down the front of the king, revealing it was body-suit disguise holding KWINCY, BRITTLE, GORDON, HOWIE, TEMPER and JOJO. Slug King outfit drops, revealing Fiend tower with JOJO at the top.  JOJO unfurls her wings with a normal happy face.

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

(Gasps in horror)

 

JOJO’s eyes narrow and her wings turn to an angry face.

 

GENERAL

(Enraged / Big Gasp)

FIENDS?! Slugs, prepare for battle!

 

HANK/ROGER/CADETS

(shocked, fear, scream)

Ahhhhhhhh!

JOJO

(Regular voice)

Attack!

 

TEMPER

Let’s go!

CADETS

(Getting their butts kicked)

Yeah! Ahhhh!

JOJO

(as she descends)

Take that!

 

The slug cadets stay in formation as the fiends unleash a world of pain, creating a cloud of black slugs flying in the air. Roger and Hank, knowing that if they don’t do something, they’ll too be dead.

 

ROGER

(Reaction to Slugs getting beating / adlib)

Yeah, that’s gonna sting.

 

So they do what they can only think of, they walk backwards as the rest of the army moves forward.

 

HANK

That’s gonna need a band aid.

 

ROGER (CONT’D)

And time to go…

HANK

Told you this was a horrible idea.

 

ROGER

Huh?

 

A slug zooms by and slams against the camera.

EAGER CLIMBING SLUG

(screaming towards camera and impact)

Ahhhhhhh, Uggh

His body covers everything except a few parts in the middle, where he slides down to reveal “BEST FIENDS”…

 

FADE OUT.